Friday, September 27, 2013

Summary Executions - A Simple Solution for Ignorant Drivers

Most of my friends know I am pro-life, and as such, I am against abortion, capital punishment and euthanasia, (not to be confused with "youth in Asia," - I don't dislike Asian kids). My friends are always trying to come up with far-fetched scenarios to see if I would support strapping another human being to a gurney and sticking a needle in their arm.

"What if someone rapes and kills your child?" - No. "What about terrorists like Timothy McVeigh?" - Nope. "What if they're black?" NOOO! (freakin' Texans), "What if..." No, dammit!

Well people, I have finally picked the one and only reason I would support executing someone...but not after a lengthy sir, what I am talking about are summary executions. The crime? Changing lanes in an intersection.

Nothing pisses me off more while I am driving than a dickhead changing lanes in an intersection. For one, in a lot of places, it's illegal and in every place - it's retarded. Have you ever wondered why the lines directly before and after a stoplight are solid? They're solid because you aren't supposed to changes lanes within that area. Why the hell do people feel the need to cut a brother off in an intersection? Are you missing a turn? Would going to the next light and making a U-turn really kill you?

In a lot of states you can get a ticket - and to me, the tree hugger that I am, that seems like a waste of paper. What we need are roving execution vans like the ones they have in China. However, instead of people being executed in the vans as in China, members of my Intersection Lane Changer Execution squad or ILCE, will be authorized to pull people over, immediately sentence the offender to death, and carry out the execution right then and there - for all to see.

What if it's just a tourist who doesn't know about the local "no changing lanes in an intersection" laws, you ask? Don't worry, they will once the bullet enters their head.

Now, I am not totally insensitive - some people don't like firearms, and I don't want to seem heartless. Like the dollar menu at any fast food joint, there will be plenty of options. ILCE vans will be able to provide a wide array of execution services from boiling in water, to flaying, to beheading, or even the opportunity of being drawn and quartered - just to name a few.

Are these punishment too harsh for you? Well, like your mom when she decided to have you - you're wrong. While some courts have wrongly carried out the executions of innocent men and women, my ILCE members will be 100% accurate in handing down guilty verdicts. They will capture on video the guilty party, pull said offender over, show them the video of the offense, and provide them with a sexy pamphlet stating the ILCE mission statement, its goals, and then let the offender check the box next to their choice of execution. Families will of course be allowed to claim the bodies of their loved ones.

So, there you have it folks - the one and only reason I would support the execution of another human being. Next time you find yourself in an intersection and are contemplating changing lanes - don't!

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