Friday, September 27, 2013

Summary Executions - A Simple Solution for Ignorant Drivers


Most of my friends know I am pro-life, and as such, I am against abortion, capital punishment and euthanasia, (not to be confused with "youth in Asia," - I don't dislike Asian kids). My friends are always trying to come up with far-fetched scenarios to see if I would support strapping another human being to a gurney and sticking a needle in their arm.

"What if someone rapes and kills your child?" - No. "What about terrorists like Timothy McVeigh?" - Nope. "What if they're black?" NOOO! (freakin' Texans), "What if..." No, dammit!

Well people, I have finally picked the one and only reason I would support executing someone...but not after a lengthy trial...no sir, what I am talking about are summary executions. The crime? Changing lanes in an intersection.

Nothing pisses me off more while I am driving than a dickhead changing lanes in an intersection. For one, in a lot of places, it's illegal and in every place - it's retarded. Have you ever wondered why the lines directly before and after a stoplight are solid? They're solid because you aren't supposed to changes lanes within that area. Why the hell do people feel the need to cut a brother off in an intersection? Are you missing a turn? Would going to the next light and making a U-turn really kill you?

In a lot of states you can get a ticket - and to me, the tree hugger that I am, that seems like a waste of paper. What we need are roving execution vans like the ones they have in China. However, instead of people being executed in the vans as in China, members of my Intersection Lane Changer Execution squad or ILCE, will be authorized to pull people over, immediately sentence the offender to death, and carry out the execution right then and there - for all to see.

What if it's just a tourist who doesn't know about the local "no changing lanes in an intersection" laws, you ask? Don't worry, they will once the bullet enters their head.

Now, I am not totally insensitive - some people don't like firearms, and I don't want to seem heartless. Like the dollar menu at any fast food joint, there will be plenty of options. ILCE vans will be able to provide a wide array of execution services from boiling in water, to flaying, to beheading, or even the opportunity of being drawn and quartered - just to name a few.

Are these punishment too harsh for you? Well, like your mom when she decided to have you - you're wrong. While some courts have wrongly carried out the executions of innocent men and women, my ILCE members will be 100% accurate in handing down guilty verdicts. They will capture on video the guilty party, pull said offender over, show them the video of the offense, and provide them with a sexy pamphlet stating the ILCE mission statement, its goals, and then let the offender check the box next to their choice of execution. Families will of course be allowed to claim the bodies of their loved ones.

So, there you have it folks - the one and only reason I would support the execution of another human being. Next time you find yourself in an intersection and are contemplating changing lanes - don't!




Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Miley and Madonna: Faux Feminism, Selective Outrage and Beetlejuice?


Every few years a performer does something that gets everybody talking. In the 80's it was Madonna wearing a massive cone bra and humping the stage, in the 90's it was Marilyn Manson wearing a creepy nude suit, a few years ago it was Lady Gaga wearing a bunch of meat and now it's Miley Cyrus sticking her tongue out and humping anything in sight. Each of them have garnered a reaction, some of them mixed and some predominately negative. Miley falls into the latter. Why is that? What makes one act of humping of simulated stage humping better than another?

When Madonna made her controversy some people were outraged. It was new and some thought it was obscene. Other's thought it was liberating and a show of expression. While some branded her a whore other's branded her a hero for women. As the years have passed most people look at her older performances now in a positive light. Why not the same with Miley? The reaction has been mostly negative. Is it her age? Do some people have trouble dropping her Disney image? Is it because her father donned a terrible mullet and blemished country music with his terrible single? Why is one lauded and one condemned.  One can't really blame Miley Cyrus for acting out, even if a little overboard, after being held as a wholesome little girl for most of her life. That might make anyone act crazy and go "Look I'm not a kid anymore", though most probably wouldn't hump a Robin Thicke dressed as Beetlejuice or a douchebag referee but hey everybody grows up in a different way. Women always bristle over the slut label women get for their actions while it's never applied to men for the same things. So why are they throwing it around now. The outrage seems a bit selective here.

Speaking of Robin Thicke and selective outrage let's talk about Blurred Lines for a bit. A lot of backlash among the female populace for the song and the music video. The song can be interpreted to mean a number of things and some of them could be cause for a negative reaction. The video however, not so much. There are women complaining about the scantily clad girls in the video. Do they also complain about an almost naked guy in a Calvin Klein ad? Your cries of "This video is terrible because it objectifies women!" are quickly dismissed when you go watch Magic Mike right afterwards. Just sayin. Then there's people getting upset over the age difference of the male performers in the video and the age of the dancers. These dancers are adults not child brides in Nigeria. Did these same people fuss about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore? Doubt it.

It's time for "feminists" to start using the same standard for every case. Like when people cry racism over everything it disrespects the real victims of racism or sexism in the world. They do them no favors when they stomp their feet and say "I'm mad about something". Will they ever get it? Probably not. People will still cry over spilled milk and Miley will continue to stick her tongue out any chance she gets. Such is life.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Gym Locker Rooms and Old Dick: An Epidemic



It's well known that if you go into a gym locker room you will see an old man naked. That's just the nature of the game. It's as sure as seeing trees in an orchard or thousands of assholes at an Ohio State game. Lately it's become worse than normal though. These geriatric nudists are multiplying and their behaviors are becoming more bold. Now no area of the locker room is safe.

It used to be that these old guys would just get completely naked and stand around near their locker. They would make sure to take every article of clothing off before they put anything else on. They'd stand around naked and talk to people. Unfortunately they've migrated from their usual haunts. Now they go to the mirror and check out their grey chest hairs. Perhaps they're trying to figure out how many bottles of Just For Men to pick up while they're at the pharmacy but you can't even get a good peel off and flex in front of the mirror because you've got the cast of Grumpy Old men hogging the glass. Now they're not even using flip flops or shower shoes. Perhaps that is too constrictive for them. It's common to see them walk barefoot over to the urinal without a care in the world about pee drips or possible plantar warts. It's as if they've completely given up on life. Don't you retire to Florida at this point? What are they doing in my locker room?

It used to be that these guys at least had respect for personal space. Now though with their added zombie-outbreak-like numbers they're overcrowded and moving into the personal space of others. It used to be that these guys just hung out in their own little nudist corners or at least kept a three foot distance from anybody else while they traversed the locker room. The other day though I was weighing myself and I step off the scale and to my dismay, less than a foot away from me was a completely naked old dude! This guy was so close to me that I couldn't even see him in the mirror in front of me. His dusty old penis was all up in my personal bubble. I take issue with that.

The old men of the gym are running amok. They're out of control. Gyms already have rules on how old members MUST be, maybe now it's time they made rules on how CAN be.


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

While People Died - Obama Talked Politics

 
Yesterday, a sicko shot and killed 12 people and wounded several others at the Washington Navy Yard, in downtown DC. While the police were still trying to figure out what is what, and who was shooting who...President Obama had a better idea...he bashed Republicans.

Yea sure, he did offer some brief words of condolence - but there was no emotion behind them and they were brief - he had better things to deal with.

Apparently to our guy in the White House, it was more important for him to talk about the economy and his issues with the republicans in office while one of our military instillations was under attack - at that time by an unknown number of people - and where one of the members of his Joints Chief of Staff works. Seriously dude?

Who thought that was a good idea? We can only imagine it was due his teleprompter needing to be preloaded with his speeches 24 hours prior to Obama giving one. If he doesn't have enough time to get down where the teleprompter will be, how fast the words will be moving and memorize what he will be saying...all Hell could break loose. His speechwriter could have put a "<pause to wipe away nonexistent tear>" break in it but alas, there was no tear wiping...maybe because Aaron Alexis didn't provide Obama with children to put on anti-gun posters.

Should we really be surprised though? The morning after his ambassador to Libya and three others were slaughtered by terrorists in Libya - Obama flew out to Las Vegas for a campaign fundraiser.

It is very apparent to us who is most important to President Obama - President Obama - and his selfishness disgusts us.

Look at my Large Family...Come Kill Us





Every year or so, a new fad makes its way around. Over the last year or so, this fad has been placing "sticker families" on the rear of vehicles. Apparently they are supposed to inform everyone, because apparently we all are just dying to know, the exact family makeup of whoever owns a particular car. I would like to know whose bright idea these stickers are, and why idiots out there put them on their vehicles.

Personally, I don't give a shit if your family consists of a dad, mom, three kids and a cat. I don't care if you are a single mom of three kids and have a dog. I don't even care if you are two guys with a kid, a cat, a dog and a fucking iguana. But there are people out there who do care; rapists, murderers, and thieves...they all care.

By announcing to the whole what your family makeup is, you are telling the aforementioned evil doers who needs to leave a house before they rob it, who needs to be home to get a decent kill count, what animals they will encounter, and who to look forward to if their dick is itching for a good ol' fashioned rape fest.

Do these stickers still appeal to you? I hope not.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I Don’t Need a Follow-up – Dickheads…
















Last week my 4Runner was in dire need of an oil change. I would have gotten it taken care of weeks ago, however, since my former choice of vehicle service was deemed incompetent, I researched other places of service. That is - I googled other service stations in the area and found a Jiffy Lube close by. Although  over priced, (I will find another place for next time), I couldn't complain about their service.

What I could complain about, and will wholeheartedly, is what I just received from Jiffy Luge - a follow-up phone call from one of their offices in Michigan. Are you kidding me smalls? I let the man get to the "Were you satisfied..." part of the call before he heard the <click> from my end...to at least the <silence>, since I don't think even my, just above rotary dial cellphone, offers a <click> when I hang up...you should call me so we can find out.

Why the hell do they need to call people about the satisfaction of an oil change? If I was dissatisfied, I think I would have complained. Nay - I know I would have, and they would have been provided with a "how to deal with an irate customer" recording.

I equate shit like this to someone asking if I want a "hot apple pie" after I place a drive-thru order. Did I ask for a hot apple pie douchebag? What I want is for you not to fuck up my order and give me BBQ sauce instead of sweat & sour for my chicken nuggets. What I want you to do is make sure there is cheese on my egg, sausage, and cheese, and that they are neatly placed between two warm biscuits. It I wanted a pie, trust me bro, I would ask for one.

About a year ago I went in for a routine, yearly physical at my doctor's. A day later, I did not receive a "Were you satisfied with your prostate exam?" phone call. Thanks be to God for that one...I mean, how would one respond to that? "Yea doc, I liked having your finger up my ass...and that little twirl you threw in? BRILLIANT!" I mean shit...at least someone has some sense. But now that I think of it...I seem to remember both his hands on my hips when he did the "finger sweep." FML...

Gaffes Define Presidency












Last week, Sec. of State John Kerry said the US would not strike Syria if President Assad agreed to turn in all his country's chemical weapons within a week. The State Department immediately came out and said their boss was speaking "rhetorically." Of course, as we all know - Russia did not see it as such and Russian's President Putin came to an agreement with Assad in which the Syrian government will indeed turn in its chemical weapons. That's awesome because we certainly do not want any US involvement in the ongoing Syrian civil war.

What we find humorous is since the Russian/Syrian deal, our "fearless" leaders Messieurs Obama and Kerry have touted the deal and have basically clamed that it was their idea the whole time, and that Obama was part of it from the beginning - he just couldn't say anything. Sec. Kerry later said that "Nothing focuses the mind like a prospect of a hanging," and that they had challenged the Syrian government to turn over its chemical weapons over to the "international community so that they can be destroyed."

Again, it's great as of right now we will not be attacking Syria, but this agreement did come from a political gaffe - and it's not the first time President Obama's hand has been forced due to one.

Back in May 2012, VP Joe Biden pushed his boss to the forefront of the gay marriage issue by announcing on "Meet the Press" that he, (VP Biden), supported gay marriage. President Obama had yet to make a statement during the election saying where he stood on the issue. Of course, Obama did come out later in support of gay marriage and we personally don't care who marries who, but it still a gaffe from someone else, and Obama took it and ran with it as his own.

Two gaffes have brought about White House policy. Perhaps Obama knew what Biden was going to say and maybe he had been in deals with Presidents Putin and Assad, as they are saying now. We probably will never know. What we do know though is that President Obama has allowed others to create his policies through gaffes. We need a someone in the White House who is unafraid to deal with matters such as equality and war, and lead from the from the front...not from behind.

Schools – Molding Idiots






The other day an old school friend had his 4th grade daughter read to him because he wanted to see how she was coming along. As she breezed through pages in the book, he noticed that she was adding words, and changing meaning to sentences without batting an eye. He slowed her down, and went through the book page by page with her so she could get the real meaning behind the writing. Later, he discovered that students today are being forced by their teachers to read quickly. Why? Apparently so they can score higher on the standardized tests kids have to take each year. Hmm…how the hell can a kid be expected to do well and comprehend the meaning of anything if they are being taught to skip over and change what is already in front of them?

About a month ago at work another friend mentioned that in the public school systems today, they aren’t really teaching grade school students cursive. Hearing this, I made sure to ask my best friend who is a middle school math teacher if this was true. He confirmed it – apparently cursive writing is going the way of the Dodo, and for what reason? No good one comes to mind.

While my school friend was not happy about the way his daughter was being taught to read, the other friend didn’t mind his child not learning cursive. That kind of shocked me, as when we sign documents or dear Lord, write a check – isn’t cursive the standard way of going about this? I know computers allow for people to electronically sign documents, but should that be the norm? Will the adults of tomorrow be signing documents by printing their names? They might as well use crayons if that’s the case.

By now I am sure most of us have seen the picture going around the internet of a check written for the amount of “Six hunnit fiddy,” (If not - see picture above). Do we really want to dumb down the school systems to the point where this maybe becomes the norm? If a person were to write me a check for the amount “Six hunnit fiddy,” it wouldn’t be accepted.

When my girlfriend and I went to Block Island this past August, we met a young man named “Eli.” Now, his name probably isn’t Eli, but since to me, the younger Manning brother looks about three Saturdays short of a full month, and the kid we met had that same look, he is Eli for this. Anyways, we met Eli parking for the Block Island Ferry in RI. As Eli took my $20 bill and went to give me a $10 bill back, he couldn’t quite get a good grasp on money, to which he explained, “My hands are a little sticky from this doughnut, it must be from all the Confederate sugar on it.” Now, I didn’t say anything to Eli – I wanted my vehicle to be where I left it when we returned in the afternoon and in one piece. As we walked to the ferry, my girlfriend asked me if I caught what Eli threw, to which I replied, “Some things in life escape me; that did not.”

“Six hunnit fiddy,” and “Confederate sugar.” This is the what is coming out of our schools and instead of giving a shit, parents are more concerned that some of the schools out there are trying to serve its’ students healthier lunches, (which is a topic for another day but spoiler alert: it’s good schools are doing that), rather than what their kids are being taught and how they are being taught it. And that's sad.

What I think is the biggest problem, are the standardized tests. Teachers today, due to laws like “No Child Left Behind,” are being taught to teach to the tests, not teach their students, and in doing so, what is being learned is so watered down that people actually think it is okay to write a check for “Six hunnit fiddy,” and that confectioners’ sugar is “Confederate sugar.”