Saturday, April 5, 2014

Should the Government Give Me Pussy Payments?

So much talk lately about the economy. Raise the minimum wage! The Government needs to bail out (fill in the blank) business! This got me thinking about women.

You see, the most attractive women I can get with rate about a six on a scale of ten. What do you think that does to my self-esteem?

The majority of women out there don’t even want to fuck me. It’d be nice to have sex with more women.

So, I think the government should force six different women who would be considered an eight out of ten to have sex with me five times a week.

Sound stupid? I don’t think so.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Gagging on Gaga?

Meat dresses, giant hair, masks, and bile. What do they all have in common? If you said something that Lady Gaga worn, you would be correct.  I'm sure most have heard already, but, last week during a concert Lady Gaga had a "vomit painter" puke green paint all over her during the show.  Ah yes, vomit painting.  Bulimic beauty.  Nothing says expression like shoving your fingers down your throat and emptying
the contents of your stomach all over something.  Yes, Lady Gaga is at it again with her antics.

Lady Gaga is actually very talented in staying in the media spotlight.  She has a great method.  Drop album, make crazy music video, do something outlandish.  It gets views. It keeps people interested even if it's not always in a positive way.  Any news is good news right?  I'm all about performers putting on great shows but when does it go from being a great performance and focusing on music to just pulling a stunt.  In this day and age shock value is almost a legitimate product though.  I guess Gaga will be Gaga after all.

Now let's focus on the actual performance.  It happened when Lady Gaga performed her song "Swine".  It started off rather normal for a Lady Gaga song but partway through it a girl that originally looked like an awkward background dancer, wearing what looked like discount Hot Topic attire and electrical tape, drank a pint of green paint and proceeded to throat-bang herself with her fingers.  As she continued to finger-fuck her throat she moved closer to Lady Gaga and delivered the recently ingested paint all over the front of Lady Gaga.  Voila!  A masterpiece!  I'm sure this was supposed to have some sort of really deep meaning, however, it really resembled something out of The Exorcist or maybe some goop from that green Slimer guy from Ghostbusters.  Instead of calling Father Merrin to perform an exorcism though, both women climb onto a giant mechanical pig.  While riding this giant porcine contraption the vomit painter continued to gag all over Gaga.  Lady Gaga would later refer to this as "art in it's purest form".  If this is art, then every college frat bathroom is a fucking Guggenheim.  Seriously, what's next, shit art?  Take some Ex-Lax and blow your ass out all over a blank canvas and say it's representing something from your soul instead of something from your sphincter? "I poured my soul into this!"  No, you poured your ass onto it.

This is why I have trouble getting into a lot of art these days.  Covering yourself in paint and rolling around doesn't make you a genius, it just makes you a sticky mess.  Puking all over a canvas or a shock-pop artist doesn't make you a visionary, it just makes you a calorie deficient moron with bad breath.  Scribbling chalk all over a chalkboard doesn't make you any type of artist, it just makes you a lazy asshole.  I've seen far better art in my local comic store but nobody is sitting around going "Oh my god it's so deep and meaningful" even though it takes many more hours to create than the aforementioned "masterpieces" and actual thought and skill.  Why?  Probably because who it's created by and created for, aren't pretentious douchebags.  Also Gaga should wake up and realize that most of her fans don't care for her messages...whatever those may be, they only care that her songs are catchy.  "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-mamaa Ga-ga-ooh-la-la" is about as deep as a pee drip.  Leave the meaning and messages to those not covered in regurgitated Dutch Boy.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Benefits for All, or Benefits for None

About two weeks ago a judge in Virginia, my current place of residence, ruled the state’s ban on gay marriage to be unconstitutional, and then immediately put an injunction on her own ruling due to probable appeals. While Rob and I have stated we don’t care what two consensual adults do with one another in the bedroom on our Facebook page, we have not written anything for the blog, so I thought I would stand atop my virtual soapbox and give you my two cents, which here, due to inflation it is really worth about a nickel.

When it comes to social issues, specifically ones dealing with issues concerning straights and gays, it is normally on religious grounds that people are not for gay marriages, gay adoptions, and gay (fill in the blank). So, to get the religious aspect out of the way first, I will be up front and say I am a Catholic who converted from the Baptist religion over 13 years ago. As a Catholic I support the Church’s opinion that marriage is a religious pact between a man, a woman and God. But you know what? When it comes to our government, religious beliefs should have no part when it comes to making laws. So why do they?

For those of you reading this who think states should be allowed to keep two men or two women from getting married, why is that? If you don’t think a gay marriage should be recognized, why should a state or our government recognize straight marriages? There is no reason, or excuse to recognize one, without recognizing the other, and vice versa.

Many believe that gay marriage is a civil right, and after thinking long and hard on this, I have to say that I agree that is it. Gay men and women can no more change their sexual preference than an African American their color, and the way I see it, we are about 50 years behind in helping the gay community get the rights it deserves.

Oh, you think gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage? Bitch please, assholes like Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Brittney Spears and Jason Alexander, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra, Mario Lopez and Ali Landry, Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, and Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, and many more already did that.

The divorce rate in the US hovers around the 50% mark, so it’s not just the celebrities who are working hard to screw things up. So why then deny two loving people the right to get married? Who knows, maybe the divorce rate will go down, at least for a bit until gay couples find out marriage may not be all that it’s thought to be, (I will add though that my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last year and they are as happy as can be, but sadly long, successful (they made me right?) marriages such as theirs are the exception to the rule nowadays).

Even still, the real reason two loving people should be able to get married is because everyone should have a right to get the same benefits straights are provided. Why should straights get benefits from the government if gays cannot? I say, if you want your state to be able to keep a ban on gay marriage, then straight couples should not be able to get benefits either. A husband should not be able to name his wife a beneficiary or name them their power of attorney in case of a medical emergency if a man cannot name his male partner the same.

Think states aren’t anti-gay? Well, did you know that 16 states still have anti-sodomy laws on their books, and two of them, Oklahoma and Texas, (go figure), specifically target the gay community? It was 17 a few weeks ago, with three states targeting gays specifically, however, the state of Kansas recently had their law thrown out, and I am very proud to say that a college friend of mine wrote the brief for the state arguing the law should be repealed. To read decision of the Court, go here: Kansas v. Franco.

This is a hot issue and quite frankly, if you disagree with me, I hope it pisses you off. We don’t beat around the bushes at Beards of Fury, we plow through them. There is no reason whatsoever from the standpoint of the federal or any state’s government that two consensual adults should not be able to get the same rights offered others.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Three Things My Mental Illness Has Taught Me about People without a Mental Illness

I guess the cat’s out of the bag (I wonder where that expression came from?). Some of you knew. Some of you may have suspected. Some you knew something just wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t put your finger on it. Having borderline personality disorder (BPD) isn’t exactly fun. In a nutshell, people with BPD “feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer” than others; there are impulsive behaviors that vary between people with BPD (mine are reckless spending and alcohol abuse, just to name two); there’s also the fear of adornment and rejection; a feeling of emptiness; dissociation; and self-harm. Between the suicide attempts and failed relationships with friends, family, and significant others, I have learned at least three things about how others perceive me (and, of course, those with BPD and other mental illnesses).

One: Having BPD (or any other mental illness) is the only disease where you can get yelled at for having. If you learn a family member, friend, or significant other had cancer, odds are you wouldn’t yell at them and tell them to buck up. Not so with BPD. I’ve been yelled at numerous times, by people who know what I suffer from, to stop acting the way I do; I need to “suck it up,” and “get over it.” Here’s a newsflash: if I could “suck it up,” and “get over it,” I wouldn’t have a mental illness. Yes, everybody gets depressed; however, normal people can get over it, quickly. To skip all the science stuff, my brain is not “wired” like a normal person’s.

Two: People with BPD are manipulative, selfish, dicks. I’m just going to let Melissa Valliant, editor-in-chief of HellaWella, address this one. Go ahead Melissa.

“The idea that people suffering from BPD are selfish, manipulative jerks has probably evolved from those who have been hurt by loved ones with BPD. Recent studies have concluded that people with BPD either have a distorted sense of generally accepted social norms, or that they may not sense these norms at all, according to This leads to behaving in ways that negatively impact trust and cooperation with others.

“BPD sufferers also have difficulty seeing gray areas and tend to perceive everything as black and white, good or bad — which, as you can imagine, causes challenges in communication. People in relationships with people with BPD often feel manipulated, taken advantage of or controlled due to such BPD-typical behavior as ‘threats, no-win situations, the “silent treatment,” rages and other methods [the non-BPD sufferer] views as unfair,’ according to

“It’s important to understand that this is not intentional. BPD sufferers are often terrified of losing the loved ones in their lives; their irrational behavior is usually an act of desperation and impulsiveness stemming from the fear of abandonment. BPDCentral suggests it’s a ‘desperate attempt to cope with painful feelings or to get their needs met without the aim of harming others.’”

Three: It’s OK to label me as crazy and completely decide I should no longer be in your social circle. Now, really, who’s selfish? Ninety-nine percent of my “friends,” some of my family members, and others who fall into a different category of relationships, decided to do just what people with BPD fear: abandon them. Then have the nerve to say, “What’s his problem?” And they can totally blame it on “craziness.” No need to understand. It’s easier to just cut the cord. If I suffered from, say, testicular cancer, and these people did that, they would be the ones society looked down on. But, since I’m “crazy,” they made a good decision to keep me and my “negativity” out of their life, and, most likely, tell everybody how nuts I am, how selfish I am, how manipulative I am, and how much of an ass I am.

Are there more things I learned about people and how they view me? Of course. But, these are the three things I wanted to address. Now, I’m certain people will be upset at me for writing this, thinking I’m trying to do them harm; I’m not. Believe it or not, BPD, and other forms of depression, are quite common. Hell, you could have it and not know it, or somebody you now may have it. Or now you suspect they have it. What needs to happen is to have these myths and stereotypes debunked. I think that can only happen by talking about it. I wish I could “get over it,” and have a relationship where it doesn’t look like I’m treating the person “unfairly.” If it doesn’t get out there, you’ll have people end up like me: feeling worthless, empty, abandoned, never leaving your house and mixing with society because you know that, even though you don’t mean to, they think you’re hurting them and you just don’t want to do that to people.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Crapital City Traffic

It's not just bad decisions that come out of DC, it's also bad drivers.  Anybody that's driven in the Beltway knows what I'm talking about.  The Washington, DC metropolitan area has some of the worst drivers and worst traffic in the nation.  According to recent studies it actually tops the list for both.

In 2013, DC ranked at the bottom of All State's best drivers report for the sixth year in a row.  The likelihood of a DC driver getting into an accident is more than twice that of the national average.  Nearby Baltimore had the second worst drivers in the nation.  Since both DC and Baltimore drivers share some of the same roads, it makes for a dangerous concoction.  It's like trying to swim in a small pool with two of the worst swimmers in the world. They're going to thrash around and put everyone else at risk or at a minimum be a complete goddamn nuisance.  It should also be noted that though the DC area prides itself on its education systems and intellectual denizens, these same denizens scored the lowest in the country on the 2011 GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test with one in three drivers failing the test.  That's right, one in three DC drivers don't know what the hell they're doing behind the wheel.

Now that we've covered just how bad the drivers in DC are, let's get into how bad the traffic is.  It can best be described with one word, abysmal.  According to a study done by the Texas A&M Transportation Institute, Washington, DC has the worst commute in the country.  Now of course many LA drivers won't believe this because they believe all trends, including traffic, originated in California and New Yorkers won't believe it because they're stuck on believing that everything is bigger in NYC and that it's #1 in everything.  However the numbers are against our larger city friends, with DC drivers having an average of 67 hours annually in delay as opposed to 61 hours in LA and 59 hours in New York.  These numbers are probably due to the ill planned roads, speed limits so low they're designed for the cast of the Golden Girls (is Betty White the only one still living?) and the terrible drivers that lack the ability to drive under any adverse weather conditions.

Now I've compiled a list of terrible driving practices that are common in the DC area and what can be done about them.

1. Driving slow in the left lane.  If you want to drive at geriatric speeds, get your slow ass over to the right lane.  There is no reason the left lane should be moving at the same speed as the person to their right.  It's not meant for five under. As a matter of fact neither is the right lane since the posted speed limit is safe and LEGAL for you to travel at, so there is no reason to be below it if your car is functioning properly or there isn't a real weather hazard. GET YOUR ASSES MOVING.

2. Slowing down to merge.  It is absolutely possible to merge lanes without dropping 15mph.  It may seem like a daunting task but your car easily moves to the side while going at the same speed. Try it sometime.

3. Pulling out in front of traffic and going at a much slower speed.  It doesn't take a physicist to understand that if you pull out in front of someone going 55mph and you go 35mph they're either going to put their engine in your backseat or have to slam on their brakes.  Since you don't seem to be in much of a hurry anyway, how about just wait for them to pass then pull out.

4. Stopping on an on-ramp instead of just yielding.  Ok, so you've got a degree from Georgetown. That's great, now learn the definition of yield, dipshit.  If you need to get up to speed with the traffic on the highway, coming to a complete damn stop isn't your best option.

5. Cutting across three lanes to get to your next turn.  This one comes in two forms.  While traveling and while at a stop.  The "while traveling" can happen when some idiot realizes his exit to the right is about four car lengths away and he is been driving along in the left lane, probably 5mph below the limit, and he decides he needs to make that turn now and zips in front of three other cars.  Since he didn't check his blind-spots during this sweet maneuver, he either gets smashed by someone two lanes over or he causes them to break hard.  Sometimes these people try this while pulling out of a parking lot.  The other way this happens is from a stop.  An idiot in the left lane realizes "Oh I actually wanted to turn right at this stop" so he just cuts in front of everybody to make the right turn.  Often times he gets in the way of the intersection and traffic or just causes a complete nuisance for the guy who's turning right from the actual right-turn lane. Way to go, asshole! Next time pay attention to where you need to turn or take the next exit.

6. Hazards on during snow. This strange phenomenon where most of the people in the area can't drive with a drip of precipitation on the roads only gets worse when half of them put their hazards on.  It makes for a sea of flashing lights.  An epileptic's nightmare.  Oh you're experiencing snow? No shit, we all are! Now turn your stupid hazards off and just drive with caution.

7. Hazards on while on the cellphone.  I've seen this one a number of times and at first I thought maybe the people were calling AAA, which would make sense and be a totally acceptable behavior.  Then I'll notice them put the phone down, turn hazards off and drive at a normal speed.  Hazard lights aren't there for you to say "Time out from normal driving. I'm on the phone".  Put the phone down if you can't multitask and call after you reach your destination.  On the phone with a loved one?  Drive at a normal speed and you'll get to see them that much sooner.

8. Hazards on and parked in a fire lane.  Another hazards abuse? Seriously?  I've been all over the country and the DC area is the only one where people have an issue with parking in the actual parking spots of a lot.  Instead these lazy assholes pull up to the store in the fire lane, throw the hazards on and run inside.  The sign clearly says "No Parking Fire Lane" not "No Parking, Unless You're in a Hurry."  These idiots end up congesting the traffic going past the store.  You can easily pull your car the two feet away to the designated parking spots.  It's not far and that's what it's there for.  Those big yellow or white grids painted on the ground with conveniently sized sections are for your car, it's not from some graffiti artist with an obsession for grids tagging every parking lot in America.  Park your damn car in the right spot, asshole.

9. Slowing to below the speed limit when you see a cop.  Ever get pulled over and have the cop ask you "Why were you going the speed limit?" Me neither.  So why the F are you slowing down to below the limit when you see a cop?  You won't get pulled over for going 45mph in a 45mph zone.  That's like being afraid a cop is going to get you for shoplifting after he watches you purchase an item. Wouldn't make sense now would it?  The same goes for the speed limit but for some reason every waste of oxygen that sees a police car slams on his brakes and goes below the limit.  This especially goes for people slowing down when they see a cop on the other side of the highway.  You have multiple lanes of traffic and a concrete barrier between you and the cop so you're going to slam on your brakes?  Is he a goddamn Decepticon? Is his car going to sprout legs and leap over the concrete barrier to get to you?  No?  Then stop slamming on your brakes, genius.

10. Cyclists.  While I commend people for wanting to be healthy or green, I don't commend the way many of them take the amount of space that they do.  You're literally on the thinnest vehicle around yet you are all over the road half the time.  Most of the cyclists I've seen are rather skinny people so why do they insist on taking up room like they have the lats of a damn gorilla?  Stay on the edge of the road or in those designated bike lanes that the yuppy areas have built into their roads.  You're on a bike, don't act like you're in a monster truck.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

How Republicans can “Repeal” Obamacare

I recently saw an article on Yahoo! News in which Jay Carney, the president’s press secretary, says Obamacare is worth losing the Senate to Republicans. I say “saw” because I didn’t read it; I didn’t want to. What could possibly be in the article that’s worth my time? Nothing. However, this brings me to the Republican controlled House of Representatives. They claim Obamacare is unconstitutional and that they want to repeal it, but it won’t go over so well in the Democratic controlled Senate, leaving such a law repealing Obamacare dead. Well, good news Republicans in the House (yes, I’m talking specifically to you from here on out).

You see, you can “repeal” Obamacare. And it’s all legal like. As the tenth Amendment Center pointed out, Article 1, Section 7, of the Constitution requires all revenue for bills to be raised by the House. What does this mean for you? You, the House, control the purse strings to fund government as you see fit. James Madison, the guy Americans credit as writing the Constitution, states in Federalist 58: “The House of Representatives cannot only refuse, but they alone can propose, the supplies requisite for the support of government.” You see, Republicans in the House? You hold a majority in the House. You can choose not to fund Obamacare, and watch it die a slow, painful Constitutional death.

The Tenth Amendment Center reminds us that Article 1, Section 9, is “explicit that any time money needs to be draw from the treasury, it has to be done subject to appropriation law.” Again, Republicans that control the House, don’t fund the darn thing.

As a side note, notice what Madison was saying in Federalist 58: the House can refuse to fund not only unconstitutional laws, but constitutional laws as well. Keep that in your back pocket.

So, Republicans that control the House, why are y’all not doing this? Nobody can ever really know what goes on in a person’s head, but I have a few reasons why y’all are not doing this: you truly have no idea what’s in, or what is intended, in the Constitution; you don’t want to look like you “hate the poor;” thus, you don’t want to repeal Obamacare per se, but create your own version of unconstitutional government controlled health care and say, “See? Look how much we care,” a la Mitt in the photo above.

Proper Cell Phone Etiquette for the Socially Impaired

Am I beating a dead horse here? Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

An old man walks into a theater. He’s there with his wife and they’re waiting for their perpetually-late adult son to show up to the outing. This Old Codger, he’s the type of guy that doesn’t take any shit from anyone. A real man’s man if you ask me. So he’s sitting two-thirds of the way up in the middle, primo seating. It’s a good thing he got there early. The previews start and he’s excited to see this film he’s heard so much about. He heard it was nominated for some awards. This asshole in front of Old Codger, though, he’s been texting away and talking loudly to his wife. So Old Codger politely asks Mr. Asshole to be quiet and put away his phone. One thing leads to another and BAM there’s one less Mr. Asshole in the world. Do you get it?

It seems to be the lament of every comedian, but few people are truly getting the message, so let me put it simply for you: Put away your goddamn phone.

These days, we seem to be transfixed by glowing screens, by the omnipresent Bright-and-Shiny. We’ll be in the presence of friends, of family, of a hot date. And hey, doesn’t this food look delicious—I’d better post a pic of it to my Instagram! Can you believe that guy in the car in front of me?—I’d better tweet about it, that’ll show him! I saw this awesome video the other day—I’d better interrupt everyone’s conversation to show them the video now!

Stop. Just stop.

Did that guy in the theater in Florida deserve to get shot? Probably not, but let’s be honest here, I’m glad he did. Perhaps he’ll serve as the poster child for improper cell phone use. Maybe all of the other Mr. Assholes of the world will think twice before whipping out their cell phone at inopportune times. That Old Codger who’s getting charged for second degree murder, he’s a martyr, really. He sacrificed himself for the good of humankind.

There’s a reason that every theater in America reminds you to silence and put away your phone, usually multiple times. It’s because that bright-ass LED and any noise you make with your greasy lips and pudgy fingers is distracting to moviegoers. Respect the $30+ I spent for this outing, Mr. Asshole.

There’s also a reason that there are laws in many states banning cell phone use while on an active motorway. Yes, “active motorway” includes while you’re at a stoplight. If you’re texting, talking on your phone without using a hands-free device, or reading your Facebook feed while you’re driving, you’re not devoting 100% of your attention to making sure you don’t kill a couple kids on your way to work. Have you forgotten that you’re operating a two-ton death machine? If you’re distracted when the light turns green, then you are not ready to move immediately, significantly delaying me getting to the theater to spend $30+. Every few seconds of delay at that light is another car you trapped by the upcoming red light. Plus, if you’re just now realizing that the light is green, you haven’t sufficiently checked to make sure there aren’t any errant children in your peripheral. If you’re out to dinner with a loved one, then every time you separate yourself from their presence by looking into your phone, you’re isolating and alienating them. You’re casting them away from you. You are choosing your online presence, or your friends who are not present, over the ones who are. You’re pissing everyone the fuck off. Who knows if the guy behind you is just another Old Codger who’s at his wit’s end with Mr. Assholes like you? Who knows if he’s got a gun? BAM, one less Mr. Asshole.

Now, here’s the thing: I’m just as addicted to social media as most people. Everyone likes being the center of attention, at least every once in a while. That’s why we take selfies, why we gripe about our day online, why we feel the need to announce to our entire network of friends, family and associates the minutiae of our lives. We feel that we’re important, that we’re all beautiful, interesting, unique snowflakes and everyone is interested in what we’re doing right now. But there’s a time and place for everything. Wait until you get home. Ask to be excused and step out if that text or phone call is so important. Nobody really cares that much about your life. If you are really that concerned about social interaction, then live in the moment and not through an LED screen. And for the love of God, put away your damn phone.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Toms + Wedges = Garbage

A few weeks ago I was at a bar, drinking and collecting a sizable amount of froth in my mustache when I noticed something that turned my stomach.  Toms wedges. I literally almost lost my Smithwick's.

For those of you that may not know what Toms wedges are, I shall explain so you can understand my disgust. 1. Wedge: a raised shoe heel where the heel and the sole form a solid block. Basically a high heel that has been filled in. They're like the training wheel of heels. They sound like hooves during steps and, like gingers, they're attractive at a rate of about one in ten. Basically, they suck. 2. Toms: a shoe with the alpargata design or in other words made of canvas or cloth.  Imagine cutting your pockets out of your pants and making them into shoes.  Basically they suck.  Now you see why I was disturbed by this sight.  An unsexy heel coming together with a flimsy cloth shoe in an unholy union to create possibly the most unsexy thing since Crocs.  So ugly, it's criminal.

Now some people may say I'm being a bit harsh because Toms give to charity.  Yes, it's true that for every shoe sold, Toms donates a shoe to a child in an impoverished country.  My question is, if I was an impoverished child would I want a crappy cloth shoe or would I want maybe a nice meal and some medical care?  Not to mention if I'm living in an area that probably doesn't have the best paved roads as well as other hazards to my feet, do I want to cover them in canvas pieces of crap or would I like something more durable?

 It's as if Toms is doing everything to make footwear unsexy. It's a trend that hopefully doesn't spread and start ruining classics like the hooker boot. Thankfully for now it seems isolated to "conscious" yuppies and quasi-hipsters in skinny jeans.  Oh did I mention Toms also sells eyewear?  They use a portion of eyewear profits to restore and save eyesight in people in developing countries.  Really though, I think it's part a sick diabolical plan to restore their sight so they have to be subjected to witnessing these horribly ugly shoes because honestly when I see them, I begin to envy the blind.

Is Paper Money Constitutional?

If you know Rob Faust, you would describe him as a man who’s deeply twisted, an aficionado of adult films, and has warped views of women. However, if you really know Rob Faust, you would also describe him in the same way, but add he’s extremely intelligent on U.S. history, the Constitution, and libertarian philosophy. So, when he says, in polite conversation as he’s wont to do, that the U.S. dollar, and all paper money in general in the U.S., is unconstitutional, he’s 100% correct.

You see, at the conventions where men gathered together to increase the size and power of government (sorry, but that’s exactly what they were doing when they decided to scrap the Articles of Confederation and create the Constitution), they had some worries, one of them the danger of paper money, commonly called Bills of Credit because the paper was unbacked by gold. During the War for Independence, the U.S. financed the war with paper money; after the war, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations (if you’re ever playing Trivial Pursuit and asked, “What’s the state with the longest name in the Union?” that’s the answer) was issuing paper money like it was going out of style. The result was hyperinflation in both instances. In 1779, the Continental, as the paper money was called, was worth a penny, and George Washington wrote, “A wagon load of money will scarcely purchase a wagon load of provisions.” Hence the term “not worth a Continental.” In Rhode Island’s case, the paper money was so worthless, nobody wanted to trade with the damn place.

Having first-hand knowledge of the economic danger of paper money, these founders decided to eliminate it from their new country. Thus, the constitution states the following: “No State shall… coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts…”

As far as the federal government itself, it has the power to coin money, not print money. The federal government can create gold and silver coins, not print paper. Now, you may say, “Sergio, the Constitution says states can’t emit Bills of Credit or make paper money tender; it doesn’t say the federal government can’t.” That’s correct; however, look at the Tenth Amendment: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” Nowhere in the Constitution does it give the power to issue Bills of Credit, or accept anything other than gold or silver as tender to the federal government. Therefore, paper money is forbidden in these United States by the states themselves and the federal government.

As you can see, the founders knew the economic consequences of paper money. Paper money creates the boom bust cycle. Sure, expanding the money supply unbacked by an actual good (gold is a physical good) creates an economic boom, but the expansion also creates the bust, as there is not enough of the good (gold) to redeem when people want it. And let’s not forget hyperinflation. Knowing all this, the founders made paper money illegal. Look at the U.S. dollar today created by the bank known as the Federal Reserve. Do you really think all the paper money in circulation today is backed by all the gold in Fort Knox? If you do, then you must think my studio apartment is a mansion.

Schools Don't Need Junk Food

Over the past five, going on six years, I think it is fair to say I have not agreed much with President Obama's policies, in fact, I cannot really think of one off the top of my head, save for ending DADT, that really pleased me. On the other hand, his wife Michelle has pushed for something that I wholeheartedly support - healthier school lunches.

Through her campaign, "Let's Move," Mrs. Obama has been trying to curb childhood obesity through healthy meals and exercise. Part of this campaign includes "Chefs Move to Schools," which involves professional chefs volunteering some time to work with students and train school workers in the kitchen on how to make healthier meals.

Now, why would someone like me, a staunch supporter of small government, support such an endeavor? Simple, I don't want my tax dollars and healthcare premiums going up because your lazy kid needs insulin for their preventable diabetes. Kids don't need vending machines with sodas or candy bars, they need sports or some other after school activity that does not involve holding a video game controller and healthy meals. And schools have an obligation to see to it that they offer them. And if you don't believe me, you should have watched the latest episode of "Opposite Worlds" on Syfy - the professional gamer got her ass kicked in the elimination challenge that involved physical activity costing her a chance to win $100,000.

What really pisses me off about school dietary plans is what they get away with. As far as nutrition goes, they can count tomato paste as a vegetable and potatoes in on the nutritional side. Sounds ok, right? Well, what are they used for? Tomato paste is used to top greasy pizzas, and potatoes get made into French fries, mmm, more grease.

Oh, your little Johnny won't eat healthy food? Fuck that, Johnny will eat what you tell him to. Of course, if mom and dad define "family meal time" as a trip to a fast food drive thru, can we really expect kids to choose mixed vegetables over a corn dog? Probably not.

I heard a great point be made by either a local political pundit, or a friend the other day concerning the fast food employees wanting $15 an hour, bear with me, I promise I can connect the two issues. People who rely on fast food restaurants to provide sustenance for their families are usually poor, ergo, they buy processed burgers and mechanically separated "chicken" instead of fresh food from the grocery store because it is cheaper, and really, who can blame them for making their paychecks last longer? Well, if we were to pass laws making the minimum wage $15 an hour for burger flippers prices at fast food joints will go up - a lot, making fresh grocery store foods cheaper in comparison, (at least artificially due to inflated prices at the fast food joints and mentally in the minds of conscientious shoppers). While I do not support a $15 an hour minimum wage for people who ask me if I "want fries with that," it undeniably would have some benefits for people looking for an excuse to go to Wegmans instead of Wendy's. Hell, even the asinine firearms bill Obama tried to get passed included reciprocity throughout the US for concealed carry permit holders...but I digress.

So, how do they fit together? Raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour at fast food joints, people will stop going to them, parents will start making healthier meals for their kids and your little Johnny won't wrinkle his nose at school when he sees cauliflower instead of cheese fries. There really is no intelligent reason not to get rid of junk foods and soda machines from public schools. While it may cost a little more to get things rolling, the money saved by not becoming one of Wilford Brimley's diabetic friends will surely pay off the difference.

Besides, kids go to school to learn and think right? How can they with caffeine and saturated fat rushing through them?