Thursday, September 19, 2013

Gym Locker Rooms and Old Dick: An Epidemic

It's well known that if you go into a gym locker room you will see an old man naked. That's just the nature of the game. It's as sure as seeing trees in an orchard or thousands of assholes at an Ohio State game. Lately it's become worse than normal though. These geriatric nudists are multiplying and their behaviors are becoming more bold. Now no area of the locker room is safe.

It used to be that these old guys would just get completely naked and stand around near their locker. They would make sure to take every article of clothing off before they put anything else on. They'd stand around naked and talk to people. Unfortunately they've migrated from their usual haunts. Now they go to the mirror and check out their grey chest hairs. Perhaps they're trying to figure out how many bottles of Just For Men to pick up while they're at the pharmacy but you can't even get a good peel off and flex in front of the mirror because you've got the cast of Grumpy Old men hogging the glass. Now they're not even using flip flops or shower shoes. Perhaps that is too constrictive for them. It's common to see them walk barefoot over to the urinal without a care in the world about pee drips or possible plantar warts. It's as if they've completely given up on life. Don't you retire to Florida at this point? What are they doing in my locker room?

It used to be that these guys at least had respect for personal space. Now though with their added zombie-outbreak-like numbers they're overcrowded and moving into the personal space of others. It used to be that these guys just hung out in their own little nudist corners or at least kept a three foot distance from anybody else while they traversed the locker room. The other day though I was weighing myself and I step off the scale and to my dismay, less than a foot away from me was a completely naked old dude! This guy was so close to me that I couldn't even see him in the mirror in front of me. His dusty old penis was all up in my personal bubble. I take issue with that.

The old men of the gym are running amok. They're out of control. Gyms already have rules on how old members MUST be, maybe now it's time they made rules on how CAN be.

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