Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A New Kind of Lazy

Americans like to keep things simple, and while I won't deny many of the things that make life easier are great, (I would rather not go back to the days of wiping our asses with leaves), isn't there a line between making our lives easier and just being plain lazy? Yes, there is - and yesterday I witnessed it with my own four eyes.

I am sure everyone here has heard of Smucker's line of Goober products. For the semi-lazy, maybe space saving individual, one can purchase peanut butter and jelly poured into one jar. No need to find extra room for two jars, Smucker's is hooking you up with one! You don't have to worry about getting jelly in the peanut butter jar, or vice versa because they come together! Every time I see those jars of disgustingness in the jelly aisle, I can only think of the Spice Girls' song "2 Become 1," and if Baby Spice couldn't turn me on singing about shagging someone, making peanut butter and jelly stew together in the same jar definitely won't.

However, that really isn't what I consider to be the laziest thing out there, albeit it is sort of related, and comes from the same company. At least when a parent buys that shit, they still have to spread it on a couple pieces of bread, and maybe throw some Ruffles potato chips under the bread. What has to be the laziest meal in the world, and I would not have believed it if I had not seen it myself, is Smucker's frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, called "Uncrustables," because why go really lazy with a frozen sandwich when you could go really fucking lazy, and cut the crust off the frozen sandwich too?

Bill Clinton may not know what the definition of the word "is" is, but I am pretty sure if he ever came across Uncrustables in the frozen section of his local food market, he would easily be able to define "lazy." How long does it really take to make a PB&J sandwich people? A minute?

Honestly, as I type this I get even more pissed because schools providing healthy lunches is something I am very passionate about and all I hear are parents bitch and moan about it and that their kids don't like humus. If parents don't want school districts to crack down on what is provided to their students, parents should make a bigger effort to provide decent lunches from home.

And what goes with a frozen PB&J sandwich? Condensed milk? Kraft Easy Cheese? Lunchables? I can just see a mom sending her child off to school with a pat to the head and a "Have great day Johnny, I packed your favorite - frozen PB&J, a mason jar of milk powder, all you need to do is go to the bubbler and fill it with water, and some processed cheese to spray over your crackers. Oh, and I almost forgot, here is a cleaned off popsicle stick just in case the sandwich isn't fully thawed by lunch - just stick it in and voila! You have a dessertwich!" "Thanks mom!" goes Johnny as he runs off to school with the hope and dream he may be able to eat that sandwich today.

So next time you are walking down the frozen food section and you are tempted on buying a frozen sandwich, remember it isn't saving you a whole lot of time, sandwiches are easy to make, and in the end whomever you make it for will be much more grateful. Don't be a lazy ass.

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