The other day something terrible happened that I really didn't want to talk about but I feel I must. I was in the store buying myself a replacement beard comb when I witnessed something horrific. This lady, if I can even call her that, was standing in line wearing a pair of pink Crocs. I was mortified. It's been so long since I'd seen them in public that I thought they had all been put away in shame. Maybe the fashion police are on furlough. Not to mention the color scheme suggests that she actually put some thought into it while purchasing them and it wasn't just a drunken lazy purchase. Unfortunately the horror didn't end there.
Later that day I went to Five Guys Burgers and Fries to help reach my daily intake of dead animal flesh and to my dismay there was an entire family wearing Crocs! First off what is a man doing wearing Crocs? Any man caught wearing Crocs must forfeit his man card for up to one year, during which time he must adhere to a strict regiment of red meat, weight training and hardcore porn. Only after they have done this will their man card suspension be lifted. I'm also concerned about the children wearing Crocs. Since they don't have a choice in the matter it's almost a form of child abuse. The children might not know what harm has been done until later in life when they look back at pictures and see themselves wearing these rubber pieces of shit. They might wonder what other forms of neglect their parents put them through. Children + Crocs = Poor parenting.
My first thought when I saw these tragedies was to quickly run over and forcibly remove the Crocs while yelling "You're free! Run! It can't hurt you anymore!" but I have rule about letting Crocs touch my skin. It's a rule to live by. I honestly feel that if I touch one, I might contract some sort of fashion herpes. It could spread and I might start wearing dad jeans or something.
I have to remember that these people made the conscious decision to wear rubber clogs with Swiss cheese holes in them. I am all about freedom and choice after all. I can only show my concern and hope that they someday come to their senses and they will bury them in a hole so deep and so dark that not even Smeagol could find them.