Friday, October 4, 2013

Beards - The Keystone to Peace in Our Time

Looking back in history, at the men remembered for their good and the men remembered for their wickedness, we see the "good" all have one thing in common - beards, while the "evil" also have something in common - no beards. Don't believe us? Well, here's a quick look at some prime examples:

The Good (aka Men with Beards):

  • God - Always depicted with a beard, created mankind and everything else - He's awesome
  • Jesus - Was the son of God, turned water into wine! -Definitely a good guy
  • Moses - Freed the Israelites from Egypt, parted the Red Sea - A good man
  • Generals Grant & Lee - Met at Appomattox Court House, made peace - Two good men
  • Abraham Lincoln - Preserved the Union, freed the slaves - Awesome guy
  • Zeus & Odin - Ancient gods, knew how to kick ass - Clearly good dudes
  • Gandolf - Helped his furry footed friends defeat Sauron - A bitchin' wizard
  • Merlin - Advised King Arthur, most likely told Arthur to grow a beard - Righteous
  • Sean Connery - Best actor of all time, fights for Scottish independence - A great man
  • Chuck Norris - Do you really need an explanation for this guy? - The man, the myth

The Bad (aka Men without Beards):
  • Hitler - Had millions murdered, and ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache  - Piece of shit
  • Sauron - Hates Gandalf, hobbits, dwarves, and elves, corrupted Sauroman - Really bad
  • Jefferson Davis - Only had a goatee, (clearly jealous of Abe's beard) - Jerk face
  • Julius Caesar - Enslaved his enemies, tried to conquer the world - Evil
  • Nazis in General - Murderous monsters, followed Hitler - Dickheads
  • 9-11 Hijackers - Flew planes into buildings, killing thousands, led us to two wars - Assholes
  • Pretty Much Everyone in US Government - No beards, no clue, no balls - ALL PUSSIES

So, there you have it - an abbreviated comparison of good and evil throughout time. The "good" all have/had beards, while the roots of evil do/did not.

Maybe if we sit a few bearded representatives down with bearded Muslim and Jewish leaders. we could work out a real peace and not just fake smiles and clammy handshakes.

To the Nobel Prize committee: we await your announcement of our upcoming Nobel Peace Prize - Lord knows our plan for true peace is more than President Obama has come up with - that is, unless you consider supporting the overthrow of at least 3 world leaders peaceful.


  1. Well, we had a comment from someone - but unfortunately in their name they had a link to lemonparty, and since we didn't want to see the poster of the comment blowing another man, we removed it. Here however is their comment in full, sans a link to gay porn, and below is our response:

    From: Mr. McNobeard:

    First of all, seven of those people aren't real. I'll let you do the math. That is if you can count that high. Second, you're leaving off plenty of evil bearded men there. Since we're naming fictional characters, Evil Spock ( has a beard and isn't Satan normally depicted with a goatee? Plenty of real people too: Fidel Castro, Usama Bin Laden, Vladimir Lenin, Henry VIII, Genghis Khan, Ho Chi Minh, Xerxes, Ted Kaczynski, and Charles Manson all had beards. No beard on Charlie you say? Well, he shaved it off to look more innocent, obviously. So beards = evil.

    1. Oh Mr. McNobeard...we can count, and we got from one, to - you're retarded - pretty fucking quick.

      Clearly you must have overlooked how we pointed out Jefferson Davis, a man with a goatee, was evil. We do not consider goatees to be beards.

      Let's get to your list though, shall we? Evil Spock - had a goatee, not a beard; Lenin - goatee; Satan - hell, (pun intended), you even said yourself it is a goatee he is normally depicted with; Genghis Khan - most of the time depicted with a goatee, and can Asians really grow beards? We aren't that optimistic; Ho Chi Minh - goatee; Ted Kaczynski - sported only a goatee in the famous "Wanted" sketch, only grew a beard for warmth while in the woods; Charles Manson - sported a goatee in his famous pic that the likes of Axl Rose wore as t-shirts.

      Right off the bat bud, 6 of your 11 names are disqualified. Fidel likes cigars – we like cigars, so meh. Xerxes killed Greeks who, at the time liked to sleep with little boys, so good on him. And Henry VIII? He certainly came up with an easy way to divorce!

      UBL is the only one on your list who sported a beard is who is clearly fucked in the head. That’s 1 out of 11.

      Oh, and real funny linking your name to a gay photo…let us guess, you’re the guy giving the blowjob – right? We are willing to bet that’s 100% accurate.

  2. Replies
    1. Dear Mr. Anonymous,

      While we appreciate your well thought out and intelligent comment, (and even more that you found the time to put down your coloring book to write it), we have to disagree with your statement. We do not suck.

      Vacuums suck, prostitutes suck, the New York Yankees suck, but we - the Beards of Fury, do not suck.

  3. Hey McBlobeard! STFU and grow a beard, bitch!

  4. I have to apologize for McNobeard. He's an idiot but he's also my son. Due to his mother's weak genes he can't grow a beard and suffers from crippling alcoholism. Because of this he's always had a grudge against greater (bearded) men. His mother's alcoholism during pregnancy is what lead to his tragically soft headed state. We can only hope and pray that he will someday reach puberty and become a real man. Until then I hold onto hope.

    Mr. McProbeard

  5. Beards for peace is something we can all get behind.