A few weeks ago I was at a bar, drinking and collecting a sizable amount of froth in my mustache when I noticed something that turned my stomach. Toms wedges. I literally almost lost my Smithwick's.
For those of you that may not know what Toms wedges are, I shall explain so you can understand my disgust. 1. Wedge: a raised shoe heel where the heel and the sole form a solid block. Basically a high heel that has been filled in. They're like the training wheel of heels. They sound like hooves during steps and, like gingers, they're attractive at a rate of about one in ten. Basically, they suck. 2. Toms: a shoe with the alpargata design or in other words made of canvas or cloth. Imagine cutting your pockets out of your pants and making them into shoes. Basically they suck. Now you see why I was disturbed by this sight. An unsexy heel coming together with a flimsy cloth shoe in an unholy union to create possibly the most unsexy thing since Crocs. So ugly, it's criminal.
Now some people may say I'm being a bit harsh because Toms give to charity. Yes, it's true that for every shoe sold, Toms donates a shoe to a child in an impoverished country. My question is, if I was an impoverished child would I want a crappy cloth shoe or would I want maybe a nice meal and some medical care? Not to mention if I'm living in an area that probably doesn't have the best paved roads as well as other hazards to my feet, do I want to cover them in canvas pieces of crap or would I like something more durable?
It's as if Toms is doing everything to make footwear unsexy. It's a trend that hopefully doesn't spread and start ruining classics like the hooker boot. Thankfully for now it seems isolated to "conscious" yuppies and quasi-hipsters in skinny jeans. Oh did I mention Toms also sells eyewear? They use a portion of eyewear profits to restore and save eyesight in people in developing countries. Really though, I think it's part a sick diabolical plan to restore their sight so they have to be subjected to witnessing these horribly ugly shoes because honestly when I see them, I begin to envy the blind.